My instinct is that psychics and palm readers are not credible, that they prey on those seeking vision or direction, the emotionally vulnerable searching for sense or resolution…at times even I feel I would like to be taken for the ride, just whisked away momentarily by the dreams and prophecies but something keeps me wary and distant…oh, it's reality!
His musical talents are mind-blowing. Seducing me with his intellect, his brilliance and logic is stimulating and thought provoking. His sex appeal is…very appealing and his charming manner always makes me blush…he is my favourite comedian, he is Tim Minchin.
A fedora would suggest that my personality was somewhat cool with attitude…something I would like to claim. A baseball cap? hmmm no, not sporty or truckin' enough. A cowboy hat? I'd like to think I have a yeee-haah good time but I'm probably more like a beanie, casual, close fitting and warm.
As a tourist walking through the streets of Paris I have had many instances of unexpected things said to me by total strangers…'would mademoiselle like um cafe?' 'would mademoiselle like um companion?' but the most unexpected thing I had said to me was 'would mademoiselle like um tattoo?'
Always reach for milk chocolate first unless I'm feeling like something with cherries, then I'll go for dark…
Three years ago I signed up for my first stint as a volunteer at the Brisbane Festival. I feel I gain more from it than I give…I have met some incredible people, gained new friends, been fortunate enough to attend some amazing events all while giving back to the community. As a result I have since volunteered for OTTB and the former River Festival…the experience has been rewarding, exciting, enlightening and a privilege to be involved in a small way in bringing a wonderful event to the community.
We met online…tacky I know and I threw myself at him wholeheartedly…coming from a strained marriage, living as a 'separated couple' I was new to the dating game…after all, it had been 29 years since I had played it.
He was 6 months out of a broken relationship, the 3rd serious one he had been in and was off work recuperating a back injury now in it's 4 month…he had exhausted most of his savings trying to survive off work,was house bound leaving him little to do with his days and nights he fooled around on line….
We came across each other on a Facebook dating site…tacky as hell, open to the world of players I hadn't expected to make contact with anyone as close to my home as he was…his profile showed his age of 39, single and interested in women, a few photos that I was attracted to. My profile didn't specify my age, but did indicate I was separated and I also had some photos…we commented on each others profiles for a few weeks gradually leading to msn conversations which slowly developed into more than banter until eventually we decided we should meet each other…
I drove to his place, guiding me the last 5km's on the mobile phone, I hung up as I turned into his street, he was at the gate waiting for me. Awkwardly we said hello and hugged, our anticipation getting the better of us, we kissed as passionately as two long lost lovers and it wasn't long before we were in the throes of sexual delight…'play time' as we had referred to it online, over for the moment, we could now talk to each other and I found I liked him…maybe it had something to do with the fact we had just willingly surrendered our bodies to each other, but I was looking for good traits in him and I found them. He has a beautiful nature, possesses a wisdom and good knowledge of people and appreciates the simple things in life, I found myself being drawn to all of this and his incredible physical attributes as we talked, listened to music, went back to bed and enjoyed each others bodies some more and then some, all night until morning. As I left I told him I wanted to see him again, he was keen, I drove home with a big stupid smile on my face that stayed there until I was back in his arms 2 weeks later to do it all again. This time was different, still nervous, an excited nervousness…getting to know each other better, a musician, he played the guitar and sang for me, I was in awe of his talent and so touched by this gesture, he cooked dinner for us and we watched a movie before spending another night of passion together,…I was comfortable with him in his home, I liked being there and waking up beside him. Torrential rain the next day forced me to stay longer than expected (not that I minded ; ) we played scrabble and talked until finally I left, again telling him I wanted to continue seeing him…cautiously with a smile he said he would look forward to that. I made a conscious decision to try and back off with online communication, give him and myself some breathing space…I failed.
With a 2 week break from seeing each other I made a day trip to see him…our sexual hunger needing to be fed before anything else could ensue, we spent the day together talking, I hinted that I was enjoying the place we were at…what ever that was, I went back the next week again for the day and helped him around the house, he had mentioned that it was difficult to do some jobs around the place in previous conversations online, so as not to offend him I persuaded him to let me do some things for him while I was there next. This time as I left we knew it would be at least 2 weeks before I could return as he was about to commence full time re-habilition therapy, our goodbye kiss more tender than usual, I told him to take care, that I didn't know when next we would meet and to call me…he said he would.
On the second visit to his home he told me that he had become bored with the Facebook 'game' and had decided to quit the site, he wanted me to know he wasn't blocking me…I had been laying low on the site anyway and followed suit not long after. We used to refer alot to the comments we had made to each other on the site which led him asking my age, fearful that he would instantly lose interest I squirmed my way out of answering, for the time being anyway…despite him telling me that it really didn't matter as he was attracted to me not a number, I dodged the answer until 2 weeks later when he asked again, he made me feel fine about it and nothing else was said…
The last time I saw him I intimated that I was developing stronger feelings about him….truth is I was falling in love with him but didn't have the courage to say it as I believe it would have been the last time we met. His life at the moment is in limbo and he's not looking to further complicate the situation. I'm not in a position to enter a relationship either, but I'd happily continue this with the hope that it grows stronger…last night, I don't know why, I went back onto the tacky fb site…and found him there. I was gutted, I didn't see the sense in hiding the fact that I too was online and sent him a lighthearted message…he responded, I think out of courtesy, I found he has been chatting with quite a few women…we made no plans to see each other and he left to go to bed…I lay awake in mine until morning with a deep sense of sadness, dread and emptiness…we never had 'anything' to break to begin with and yet my heart is broken…how could I let this happen? He never pledged himself to me, he's not cheating on me! he's a single man who had some fun with a woman who threw herself at him…and yet I allowed my emotions to race ahead of everything sensible deciding what it was I was feeling and what I wanted…and now foolishly, I'm sitting here with a sick feeling in my in the bottom of my gut, feeling rejected and my intuition screaming at me that we're not going to see each other again.
What ever it was is over…It was a brief affair, full of excitement and passion and I wish I still had it.
In no particular order I am grateful for:
my health, I really am…I feel fantastic!
my daughter, for the time we spend together and the love she shows me
my son, for keeping my feet on the ground and his love
my life, it's free of worry
my parents, for teaching me, guiding me, supporting me
my friends, who accept me for who I am bringing laughter and joy into my world.
Almost a year ago…the taxi driver dropped meoff in the street…it was early, 7:30am, the winter sky still dark and I wasn't sure where in Madrid I was but I suspected as I watched the taxi drive away that I was not in the right place.
The tour was scheduled to leave at 8:30, passengers were asked to check in 1/2 hour prior to leaving…I headed south, back towards the city area, my cumbersome suitcase in tow, my pace quickening more each time I checked my watch and yet I did not even know where I was going. Stopped to ask 3 people along the way, the language barrier not giving me any dirction at all I continued walking…finally I stopped a woman who spoke english, she pointed to the other side of the street, I was closer than I realised, relieved I crossed the road and running straight past the bus to the office…and waited…30 minutes later I heard my name being called. The tour guide, Anna, a mature spanish woman, introduced herself to me asking where I was from before telling me to take my luggage out to the bus and find the driver, Fernando, like the song she mused. I took my luggage out, almost the last to do so and found Fernando. You are Fernando? he smiled as he answered in his best english, 'yes, you coming with me?' he loaded my case and then walked to the door of the bus ready to take my hand to lead me into the bus…that was the start of my 7 day tour. A week of catching him looking at me in the mirror, him playing music for me and me being totally charmed by him as we travelled through Spain…